Could it get any worse? Historically, not really.
The Cleveland Browns have scored only five offensive touchdowns in the last 15 games, a mind-boggling level of offensive putridity rarely seen in the long annals of the National Football League. In fact, the NFL has only seen such offensive offense once in its history, and not for 75 years.

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So who was the last team as bad as the Browns? The answer, of course, is the little known 1933-34 Cincinnati Reds. (No relation to the baseball team).
Like the Browns, the Reds only scored five touchdowns in a 15-game span. And what did the NFL do? It kicked the Reds out of the league. The Reds hand't paid their league dues, and weren't competitive enough, so the NFL brought in an amateur replacement team, the St. Louis Gunners, to finish out the Reds' season.
Will the NFL kick the Browns out of the league? Probably not. But could a replacement team from the St. Jerome School for the Blind play better offense than the Browns and be more competitive? Probably. Just a thought.
Girls frontman Christopher Owens grew up in the Children of God cult. His older brother died as a baby because the cult didn't believe in modern medicine. His dad left when he was young. His mother was forced to prostitute to herself to attract non-members to the cult, and some children in the cult were forced to have sex with adults.
Because of this, no one would be surprised if Girls' debut LP, "Album," was drenched in melancholy, more like a therapeutic outlet for Owens to exercise his demons than a vehicle to deliver one of the great pop albums of 2009. But alas, Girls has done just that.
From the first song, "Lust for Life,"to the album closer, "Darling," Owens turns his significant disadvantages — a horrific childhood — into a strength: He's a man with nothing to lose. Each strum of the guitar, each note crooned, is done with such a vigor and enthusiasm for his craft, it can only be coming from a man who has been given a second lease on life.
On the album's upbeat songs, like the hook-filled "Lust for Life," Owens sounds like Elvis Costello jamming under the sunny, California sun. "Oh I wish I had a suntan, I wish I had a pizza and a bottle of wine," Owens sings triumphantly, with soft "ooh bah bahs" humming behind his melody. When you've spent your childhood in Hell, I guess it's the little things that matter most.
Even with slower, more melancholy tracks like "Laura" and "Hellhole Ratrace," the songs have the simplicity and soul of the '50s ballroom hits that Buddy Holly and Elvis Presley churned out at their peaks. If these songs don't belong at high school dances while two sweethearts dance nose-to-nose, I don't know what does.
"I dont want to die without shaking up a leg or two. Yeah, I want to do some dancing too," Owens sings on"Hellhole Ratrace. "So come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me." With songs this good, it's an invitation that's hard to turn down.
Check out the music video for "Lust for Life" below. For more reviews of "Album" by Girls, click here.
It should make you sick.
The World Series begins tonight, and either of the Cleveland Indians' best pitchers — C.C. Sabathia or Cliff Lee — could win World Series MVP. Both are wrapping up legitimate Cy Young seasons. Both have a chance to earn their first championship ring.
The only problem? Both are former Indians pitchers.
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Sabathia, who won the Cy Young in 2007, carried the Yankees to their first World Series appearance since 2003. Lee, who won the Cy Young in 2008, lifted the Phillies to their first-ever back-to-back National League penants.
Meanwhile the Indians are on some unnamed Island in the Carribean, wallowing in the sun and recovering from a dismal season in which they finished 32 games below-.500.
It should make you sick.
Cleveland is a big market. It's 16th largest media market in the nation, according to Nielsen Media Research. It's not New York, Boston or Los Angeles, but it's not Kansas City either (27th largest market). Yet perenially woeful Kansas City is who we finished tied with for last in the AL Central.
And Milwaukee, the 33rd largest market, is where traded C.C. Sabathia last season. You're telling me Cleveland can't hold onto players once they become superstars?
Look, there's no telling whether Michael Brantley, Matt LaPorta, Carlos Carrasco or Lou Marson — the guys we got in return for C.C. and Cliff — will become franchise players. I doubt it, but it's possible.
But tonight's game reminds us what the Cleveland Indians could have been. If each one of these pitchers can carry a team to the World Series on their own, shouldn't have we, with both of them, have been able to accrue enough pieces for Cleveland to get to the World Series?
Instead, we're left with "What could have been?" or "What will be in 2012 or 2013?" instead of enjoying the present. Instead, we're one of the worst franchises in baseball.
It should you make you sick.
In 1995, a little-known animation company, Pixar, partnered with Walt Disney Feature Animation to make a movie called "Toy Story."
The film went on to gross $365 million worldwide. It made the American Film Institute's list of 100 greatest movies of all-time. And it made Pixar a household name.
Now, it's back.
"Toy Story 3," scheduled for release June 18, 2010, reunites Woody, Buzz Lightyear, Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head and the rest of the plastic gang.
A lot has changed in the 14 years since "Toy Story" first blasted onto the silver screen. Pixar has supplanted Disney as animation king. It's released nine subsequent films, including "Toy Story 2," to much critical and box-office acclaim. It's even won a few Oscars.
One other thing that's changed: Andy, the owner of the toys, is going off to college. And with that step, his toys must be thrown away. Woody, Buzz and Co. end up at a day-care center, where they encounter the unspeakable horrors known as rowdy little children. So they hatch a plan to escape, hoping to find a home like Andy's where they can live happily ever after. Check out the trailer below:
Earlier this summer, Fox News mega-personality Glenn Beck said President Obama was "racist" and has a "deep-seated hate for white culture."
In a riveting interview with Katie Couric and CBS last week, a viewer asked Beck to explain what exactly is "white culture." Beck refused to answer, saying Couric and the viewer were playing the "gotcha game."
VIEWER: What is white culture?
BECK: Ummmmm, I don't know.
Beck then said people can go to his Web site and watch the segment from his show to see what he meant. Couric said he didn't define "white culture" during that segment and pressed him for an answer.
COURIC: People just want to know. What is white culture?
BECK: I’m going to see if I can play your game. People just want to know.
COURIC: Well, [viewer/questioner] Adrian wants to know.
BECK: That’s good for Adrian.
Beck told Couric he’s “not going to get into your sound-bite gotcha game.” Couric noted that the interview would be “completely unedited, so if you felt like you wanted to explain it, you have all the time in the world." Beck still wouldn’t budget. Watch it below:
Imagine an alternate Earth where no has ever lied. Everybody believes everybody 100 percent of the time, because no one can comprehend a concept like dishonesty.
Now image someone learns how to lie. Imagine all the power he would have. Welcome to "The Invention of Lying."
"The world's going to end unless we have sex right now!" shouts Mark Bellison, the movie's main character, testing his newfound power on a beautiful blonde woman passing him on the street.
She looks at him — frightened for her life.
"Do we have time to get a motel?" she asks. "Or do we need to do it right here?"
Written and directed by Ricky Gervais (the writer/creator of "The Office"), "Lying" stars some of the funniest people on our planet: Gervais (who plays Bellison). Tina Fey ("30 Rock"). Christopher Guest ("Spinal Tap"). Rob Lowe ("The West Wing"). Jeffrey Tambour ("Arrested Development"). Louis C.K. ("The Chris Rock Show"). Phillip Seymour Hoffman ("Capote," "Charlie Wilson's War"). The list goes on and on.
If the film somehow matches the quality of its concept and cast, "Lying" could be one of the funniest and most enjoyable films of the year. Check out the trailer below:
For "Whip It! (Fall Film Preview, Pt. 5)," click here.
For "Sherlock Holmes (Fall Film Preview, Pt. 4)," click here.
For "The Imaginarium of Dr. Paranssus (Fall Film Preview, Pt. 3)," click here.
For "The Road (Fall Film Preview, Pt. 2)," click here.
For "The Men Who Stare At Goats (Fall Film Preview, Pt. 1)," click here.
Babe Ruthless. Malice in Wonderland. Smashley Simpson. How could anyone not look forward to a movie with these characters in lead roles?
"Whip It!" follows Bliss Cavender (Ellen Page of "Juno" fame), a small-town Texas girl who shuns her mother's beauty pageants to join the high-octane world of women's roller derby. No it's not the best story I've heard. And I'm sure it's riddled with clichés. But Drew Barrymore's directorial debut received rave reviews at the Toronto Film Festival this weekend, and it looks like an infectiously sweet, surprisingly violent romp that will inject some grrrrl power into this fall's male-dominated movie lineup.
Boasting an almost all female cast, "Whip It!" features Page, Kristen Wiig ("Saturday Night Live") and Barrymore as ladies on skates laying down the law. Academy Award winner Marcia Gay Harden ("Mystic River", "Into the Wild") plays Page's disapproving mother, and forgotten comedian Daniel Stern ("Home Alone," "Home Alone 2") makes a surprise turn as Page's encouraging father.
No doubt: This one will appeal more to the ladies than the men. But acclaimed cinematographer Robert Yeoman ("Rushmore," "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" "Red Eye") has apparently imbued the roller scenes with some panache, and if you're up for some breezy action, playful dialogue and sugary, indie pop soundtrack, I'm sure almost anyone can enjoy. Check out the trailer below:
For "Sherlock Holmes (Fall Film Preview, Pt. 4)," click here.
For "The Imaginarium of Dr. Paranssus (Fall Film Preview, Pt. 3)," click here.
For "The Road (Fall Film Preview, Pt. 2)," click here.
For "The Men Who Stare At Goats (Fall Film Preview, Pt. 1)," click here.
"Sherlock Holmes" is probably the closest thing to a summer blockbuster Fall 2009 will see. It's got a bonified superstar in the lead role (Robert Downey Jr.), a smoking hot love interest (Rachel McAdams), a villain threatening to destroy the world (Mark Strong) and an $80 million budget.
Oh yeah, it's got action sequences too. Lots of them.
According to interviews and as evidenced by the film's trailer, director Guy Ritchie ("Snatch," "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels") has decided to focus on Holmes' mastery of bartitsu, an obscure martial arts style, as one of Holmes' main character traits.
In the new film, Holmes fights a Satanist cult leader risen from the dead, scantily-clad women, numerous gunmen, muscle-ripped brawlers and axe-wielding giants. And that's just in the trailer. Who knows what he battles in the other 90 minutes?
While "Holmes" likely won't contend for any awards like other movies on this list — too much brawn, not enough brains — it might be a nice respite from all the art flicks crashing cinemas in October and November.
Plus, it's the likely beginning of a trilogy. Turns out, Brad Pitt's already been cast as Holmes' archnemesis Professor Moriarty, and may even make an appearance in this film. So for the sake of keeping up with "The Next Big Thing," it may be worth your $9. Check out the trailer below:
For "The Men Who Stare At Goats (Fall Film Preview, Pt. 1)," click here.
For "The Road (Fall Film Preview, Pt. 2)," click here.
For "The Imaginarium of Dr. Paranssus (Fall Film Preview, Pt. 3)," click here.
When Heath Ledger passed away last year, pundits pronounced his role at the Joker in "The Dark Knight" his last hurrah. Like Ted Williams, Ledger had hit a home run in his last at-bat, even earning the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor posthumously.
"This is a career-making performance if ever there was one," declared Claudia Puig, movie critic for USA Today. "Too bad it was a career-ending one as well."
But alas, the man who portrayed the Joker has one final ace up his sleeve, one more chance for fans to enjoy his no-holds-barred, all-in acting style. Sony Pictures Classics will release fantasy film "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" on Christmas Day, with Ledger as the lead role.
"Parnassus" follows the 1,000-year-old leader of a travelling theatre troupe (Christopher Plummer) who, having made a deal with the Devil (Tom Waits), takes audience members through a magical mirror to explore their imaginations. At some point, the Devil comes to collect on the deal, and wants the doctor's daughter as his compensation (Lily Cole). But a mysterious outsider named Tony (Ledger), who recently joined the troupe, vows he can savethe daughter's soul.
The film, directed by Terry Gilliam, looks like a visual feast: Colors and monsters and magic flying in and off the screen like hurricanes of eye candy. And Ledger looks like he gives a Joker-eseque performance: Lively, mysterious and utterly captivating.
Of course, Ledger passed during filming, so he doesn't get to see the part all the way through. Actors Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell agreed to finish the film as a tribute to their late colleague. But don't be surprised if Ledger receives another posthumous Oscar nom, even for an unfinished role: He looks as lively and luminous as ever. Check out the trailer below:
Although it earned widespread critical acclaim when it hit theaters in 2007, many viewers found "No Country for Old Men," that year's Best Picture winner, too bleak and too depressing to be enjoyable.
If you were one of those viewers, stay away from "The Road."
Like "No Country," "The Road" is an adaptation of a Cormac McCarthy novel. In fact, "The Road" won the 2007 Pultizer Prize for fiction. The story follows a sick father (Man) and good-hearted son (Boy) desperately trying to survive in a post-apocalyptic world. Man and Boy must outlast starvation, illness, a roving cadre of vicious cannibals while trying to reach the sea, where they believe other "good people" may be trying to rebuild society. They encounter — among other daily pleasantries — a baby's cooked corpse on a roasting spit and people so malnourished they're translucent.
Starring Viggo Mortensen, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Charlize Theron and Guy Pearce, "The Road" could be one of the big winners this year at the Academy Awards. Based on McCarthy's Pulitzer Prize winning book, the film looks haunting, tense and well-acted, and it's directed by one of Hollywood's biggest up-and-comers, John Hillcoat, who helmed 2005's excellent revisionist western, "The Proposition." And while Hillcoat may not be the Coen brothers, who diredcted "No Country," "The Road" as a novel is better source material than "No Country." Check out the trailer below:
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