‘I broke up with my boyfriend’

Now that March is behind me, I am striving to obtain my goal of losing 100 pounds.

At this time, I have about 78 pounds to lose. Now that I am getting myself back on track, I am certain I will be able to reach my goal by November. I am looking forward to buying one of those little black dresses for 2010.

I recently have had a number of issues in my personal life and I want to write about them, since writing is a form of therapy for me. The comments I receive are also part of the therapy.

Toward the end of February, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. For the most part, we had a good relationship. I will not say that we had a healthy relationship because I am so insecure about my weight and my self-esteem is non-existence.

My ex is 6 foot and 2 inches and super, super skinny, I would tell him he probably only weighed about 120 pounds. In reality, he weighed about 190, but since he is so tall, he looks very skinny.

My insecurities about my weight would cause me to make accusation to him that were untrue. I would often get nasty with him about how I thought he was looking at skinny girls. He would tell me that if he wanted to be with a skinny girl, he would be.

My mind, on the other hand, told me differently. He once told me when two thin people get together it’s like rubbing two sticks together trying to start a fire, “a little cushion was good,” he would tell me. After time, my inability to control my crazy thoughts drove us apart.

Since I have been working out and losing weight, my self-esteem is starting to surface. It’s kind of sad that it had to happen after the relationship came to an end. Everything happens for a reason though, I believe.

My whole life, I have always been the “big” girl with guy friends. The guys I hang out with or the guys I try to talk thought because I am overweight I could not be as “fun” or as “cool” as that 115-pound girl they see in the magazines.

I would like to enlighten those men. I’m sure I’m a whole lot more fun than those girls. I’m real. I’m not going to go out with my friends and just order water because I am worried what people might think if they saw me eat. I used to be that way. Now, I know everyone eats, you have to. You just don't have to have a cheeseburger, French fries and a large Coke.

Now that I’m single, I have extra time on my hands to dedicate more time and energy into working out and becoming that healthy person I know is inside of me. I’ll also be able to turn heads once the weight is off.  Let’s see how long I stay single.